You know what is not fun? Trying to function, feel normal, do your job, and love on your students while having an anxiety attack. Today was all about stolen moments to do breathing exercises, listening to meditation and sneaking in some yoga while they were at specials. It was not easy, but guess what? I did it. Everyone was happy, everything worked out, and I made it.
The phrase mind over matter was everywhere today…..but I thought… with mental illness its the mind that is unhealthy while the matter is just fine. So matter over mind? That seems silly but it’s what I needed. My mind was unhealthy but my matter was filled with wonder, love, exploration, excitement, and learning. My matter needed me, my mind was working against me. Any of you having anxiety or depression knows that it is the most painful experience when your own mind, your safe place is the thing that is working against you.
I’m not proud of my mental illness but I’m not ashamed, I am proud of the battle that I fight and win EVERYDAY. Today is took everything to win, but I did. I put my matter first and I dealt with my mind in the healthiest way that I knew how. Practicing things that work for me in the now and when I got home, taking care of me. I will be honest, as soon as my last student left, I went into my room and balled my eyes out. Not for a particular reason but mostly just to express everything I was holding in.
It’s okay that not every moment is okay. Today, I’m not okay, but I am getting there and tomorrow I will be on top because I am a warrior, and I don’t give up. Today, my matter saved me from my mind. If only my students and their love knew what they did for me today.
This was a ramble mid-breakdown, again extremely honest. Hope you can appreciate the realness.
Healing through Growth 