Author: healingthrugrowth

You know what is not fun? Trying to function, feel normal, do your job, and love on your students while having an anxiety attack. Today was all about stolen moments to do breathing exercises, listening to meditation and sneaking in some yoga while they were at specials. It was not easy, but guess what? I did it. Everyone was happy, everything worked out, and I made it.

The phrase mind over matter was everywhere today…..but I thought… with mental illness its the mind that is unhealthy while the matter is just fine. So matter over mind? That seems silly but it’s what I needed. My mind was unhealthy but my matter was filled with wonder, love, exploration, excitement, and learning. My matter needed me, my mind was working against me. Any of you having anxiety or depression knows that it is the most painful experience when your own mind, your safe place is the thing that is working against you.

I’m not proud of my mental illness but I’m not ashamed, I am proud of the battle that I fight and win EVERYDAY. Today is took everything to win, but I did. I put my matter first and I dealt with my mind in the healthiest way that I knew how. Practicing things that work for me in the now and when I got home, taking care of me. I will be honest, as soon as my last student left, I went into my room and balled my eyes out. Not for a particular reason but mostly just to express everything I was holding in.

It’s okay that not every moment is okay. Today, I’m not okay, but I am getting there and tomorrow I will be on top because I am a warrior, and I don’t give up. Today, my matter saved me from my mind. If only my students and their love knew what they did for me today.

This was a ramble mid-breakdown, again extremely honest. Hope you can appreciate the realness.

It’s no secret that my self esteem has been a work in progress. After spending 10 years in a relationship that took all of that from me, it was gone. I’m not blaming my ex, I take the blame, I should have fought for me, but…. I didn’t think that I was worthy of fighting for, and the truth of the matter…..sometimes I still don’t.

I continue to use what I call the “Fat Amy” way of living, assuming you all saw pitch perfect, Fat Amy calls herself that so that no one else can say it first, so that no one can make fun of her weight because she’s already done it. First time I saw this movie, I thought “Genius” so I was doing that, pointing out how terrible I looked, or how fat I am, or how unintelligent or unworthy I was. Just before someone else got the chance to say it about me.  I am sure you are all wincing reading this because either you are noticing that you do it too or it makes you feel uncomfortable. Well, it does that same for me, now that I am so wholeheartedly focusing on self love and acceptance even writing the words makes me sick.

I’m sure that while I thought everyone was saying this about me in reality they didn’t see the stuff that I created for myself in my mind, and saying it just made me believe it, made my mind soak it in, which is horrifying. I was my own worst enemy, I blamed it on other people saying “they would say it, I’m just saying what they are thinking.” But, were they? No, I was. I was the one I was running from when I cried myself to sleep. And because of the words I was saying, I didn’t have the love to tell myself otherwise.

So, I stopped. I focused on my beauty, my goals, my accomplishments, my career, my hobbies, my fitness and my acceptance. And guess what happened… life got better! And guess what I came to find, most people where saying really positive things about me, and the ones that weren’t because of my self love and confidence, they didn’t bother me, I knew they were just projecting their hurt onto me.

The point is, we cannot learn to see our worth, our beauty, or the difference we are making in the world if we are the ones putting ourselves down. I’m abolished my “Fat Amy” way of living and am still entering one of self love, saying the things that I deserve to say about myself.

I am beautiful

I am strong

I am determined

I am healthy

I do not give up

I am worthy

and so much more, all things I have been depriving myself of.

I hope the same for you… find the ways to love and accept yourself, because you deserve it.

It’s easy to gossip, sometimes…I’ll admit it, it’s even fun. After a while…..gossiping becomes poison. We start to become ruined by the fuel that we are adding to the fire that is simply burning down the people in our lives.

If we exchanged gossip, for encouraging the growth and gain in others, especially other woman.. imagine the beautiful world that we could  harness.

I recently listened to a Ted Talk by Tabatha Coffey (If you are a Bravo fan, you know and love her)  she talked about being known as a bitch on TV and what that meant to her, she discussed how we use the word so negatively to describe other woman when we are jealous of their success. That instead of saying “she got that job that I wanted, I should learn from her so that next time I am a stronger candidate.” We say “that bitch stole my job.” I’ve done it, have you?

I think we are all guilty, so what do we need to set in motion, how do we as adults begin to start over, begin to look at people with a growth mindset, to learn how to gain knowledge when we live in such a competitive society that seems to run on comparison.

Throw doubt, fear of failure, and the useless gossip out the window and  DO IT. GROW. GAIN. DITCH GOSSIP.  Immerse yourself in the love that it takes to celebrate and learn from someone successful.

It’s what I am doing right now, I have a female in my life that I totally look up to, I don’t think she has any idea of the impact that she has made for me in getting me out of the anxiety/depression spiral that I was in a few months ago. This woman is the very definition of a badass, writes a great blog, is an amazing mother, started a business, lives a love story with her husband and countless other things, I’m sure…. by the way, young and beautiful…. I know, annoying right? That’s what I thought. I thought, she’s doing what I want to do and I don’t even have HALF the stuff going on that she does. So, I had two options, call her a bitch and let her success annoy me…. OR get off my ass and make things happen, learn from her and let her inspire me. So, I’m doing it, here I am writing the thoughts down that I’ve wanted to for so long. (I am also putting together a really cool project that I can hopefully tell you all about soon.)

I hope that you will join me, continuing reading whatever this blog becomes, I want it to be a place where I share my battles with anxiety and depression but also word vomit some motivation, inspiration, and hopefully a lot of love.

Thank you for reading,

Allie

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton